My nine-year-old daughter has a temper that we find very hard to control. If something does not go her way she lashes out on us, hitting and kicking. Her tantrums can be over homework, spellings, washing her hair, having a shower; almost anything will set her off these days.She is very shy and quiet with others, and I worry that her self-esteem is very low. She tells us very little if anything about school. I am at a loss to know what to do. Her behaviour is just getting worse. How can we get her to behave and have some respect for us?
DAVID: Even though her behaviour is the main issue you have, I think the solution to her tantrums lies in her capacity to express her feelings and to problem-solve when she is faced with challenges.
I have long believed that when children struggle to voice their feelings in ways that we can understand, they are more likely to show us their distress by acting in bold, angry or challenging ways.
It is as if the release of anger, through tantrums, arguments or fights provides children with some temporary, but welcome, relief from the build up of other stresses or pressures.
We also know that some children struggle with things like flexibility, frustration-tolerance or problem-solving. So when things in their environment change, or when they are expected to move to the next task or activity, they can find it really difficult.
So when she receives your requests to organise herself, do her homework etc, she may feel totally thrown off balance. The "normal" demands you place on her to wash, or help out, may actually overload her. Or they may be triggers that ignite a wellspring of troubled feelings.
I'd recommend that you try to move away from the idea of controlling your daughter, and turn instead to trying to understand her. This is not to say that you stop having expectations of her and her behaviour, or that you stop having limits for her.
Rather, though, you balance the limits and rules that you have for her with kindness, understanding and warmth. In practice, you will need to be able to empathise with her and her upset.
Empathy is where we show another person that we can understand the feelings they may have. With children, who can rarely explain the complexity of their feelings, we often have to guess at how they might feel.
So we make empathetic statements to them like, "You look cross about having to do your homework. I'm guessing it is hard for you to do." Or "It is time for your shower… oh there's a frown… I'd say you hate being disturbed when you are relaxing".
Once you have helped her to recognise, in an understanding way, that there is some problem, you can then explore the reasons why this is so difficult for her.
So it may be that you adopt a very inquisitive, curious approach to finding out where her particular struggle lies. The Explosive Child by Ross W Greene might really help you to understand the nature of her difficulties.
Work with her to find out what the problem is rather than being prescriptive. Adopt the core belief that if your daughter can do well, she will do well and that something is blocking her from achieving "good" behaviour.
The essence of this style of parenting is to take a kind and firm approach to dealing with our children. We stay firm and consistent about what we expect of them and we are understanding and kind about the impact of those expectations.
In this parenting approach we also see our role as helping them to overcome problems, rather than simply getting cross with them for having problems, or struggles, in the first place.
It is, in essence, collaborative problem-solving where you demonstrate that you can understand that something bothers her and then work with her to find out what that might be, such that you can relieve the source of the bother.
I think that your daughter is likely to respond very positively to you if she sees that you try to understand her perspective, rather than feeling that you just keep pushing your own ideas on to her.
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